Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Of Iron Man 158, Fat Jokes, and Creepy, Creepy People

I had a feeling I was in trouble when I saw the cover.

Now, when I can come up with no fewer than five snarky comments based on the cover alone, you know it's going to be a tough read.

Iron Man #158 (1982) is written by Denny O'Neil, who's pre-Obadiah Stane work was often pretty bad, and illustrated by Carmine Infantino, whose art I didn't really enjoy on his previous runs on Iron Man. I just don't think Infantino is a good Iron Man artist. But he takes it to a whole new low in this issue by drawing the FATTEST IRON MAN EVER.

My god, what a fatty.

As you'd expect, a number of things in this issue just don't make sense. For instance, why are Iron Man parts floating around this room?

And you really have to have a firm grip on the character of Tony Stark to write this scene:

"A woman? Bah, I got to get my backgammon on!" GAY.

Things go from dumb to downright disturbingly twisted when yet another fatty shows up.

You know what? That's just wrong. Ew. Everything about this is just, ew. Meanwhile, crazy-jawline-Tony is playing backgammon with that Monopoly guy:

The crapfest then serves up a sexual innuendo so good, I don't even know what the hell it's supposed to mean. But I'm SURE it's an innuendo for something, because it's just too weird otherwise.

So Tony goes to investigate the creepy mountain full of creepy cougars and home to the creepier fatty. Of course, he has to change into his Iron Man armor on the way, but he decides to do weird things with it before he puts it on...

Why is he making the armor grab his moobs like that? What the hell kind of comic book is this?! Oh wait, the comic just answered my question.

Stanky. The Stanky Institute. Presumably founded by (god help me) Professor Stanky.



I want to be clear. It is only for my great love of Iron Man comics that I forge on at this point. One day I will say "I have read every issue of Iron Man." But now I can add "even THAT one."

I do things to people all the time. But never anything as heinous as making them read this issue in it's entirety!

Apart from bizarre sexual innuendos, this whole comic feels like nothing but filler.

Well as long as you're willfully wasting my time, why don't you show us all the boring things the Iron Man armor can do?

Wow, I sure am glad I know you can do all that boring crap. I wish you'd just stop already!

Woah, sorry about that. Hey, isn't it time for a gratuitous fat joke?

So Iron Man's armor gets incapacitated by some sort of psychic energy ray thing from the old lady... you know, this issue is so far gone it doesn't even matter. He has to take his helmet off. That's all that matters. But he can still walk even though his suit has no power and weights a ton... forget it.

So he goes into the cave and finds the old woman and does something else REALLY creepy.

What is up with the pedophile smile?! Seriously! "I'd better not wake her"? Oh my GOD! Somebody please STOP HIM!

Phew! Thanks creepy fat kid. You just saved your mom from creepy Tony Stark. Now you can experiment on her / torture her all you... oh.

Fatty throws Tony down a well hole or something (it's probably the septic tank, given the direction this comic is going), at which point Tony expresses the EXACT feeling that everyone reading this comic has.

Yes, Denny O'Neil, may we ask why?

So Tony finds a crack in the wall of the "water hole" that is too small for Iron Man to fit through. So he takes off his armor and finds that he can just barely fit through it. I guess if Infantino hadn't drawn Iron Man as such a fatty on page 3 he would have fit. Anyway, the crack leads to a nearby lake or something (???) and Tony emerges safe and sound. As you can imagine, he heads back to kick the fat kid's ass.

Ah, motherly love.

And also, stank.

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