Monday, November 9, 2009

Iron Man 136; so bad it's... no, it's just bad.

Not since Iron Man #67 have I read an issue of Iron Man that made me think, “This is SO awful I have to share my pain with other people.” Submitted for your disapproval, Iron Man #136 (1980)!

Iron Man vs... the Endotherm? Wait... really?! Hang on. *cleans glasses* Yup, the Endotherm. Damn, that's amazing. The name is descriptive, like Spider-Man, yet retarded like Living Laser.

Well, let's get reading. It doesn't take long before you get to this.

Hey! You know, kid's read these things. Seriously, this lady must be the biggest slut in publishing, which when you think about it, says a LOT. But wait, there's more.

Well, that wins for worst sexual innuendo in a comic book... well, probably ever. I'm not keeping track (I'm keeping track), but that one is really awful.

Eventually, Tony gets down to business. What? Oh, you are dirty! He goes to work in a very cold place. Wait... I didn't mean... oh screw it.

You know it's an unknown force because the thing that tells you what's going on says “UNKNOWN”. What a handy yet simultaneously useless readout! As you probably guessed, the room is really cold because Endotherm is about to attack! Behold, Endotherm! The most polite C-list villain ever!

Those zany British super villains! Always so polite! I feel like he'd kill me, then offer all my surviving friends and family tea and scones as a nice apology for all that unpleasant murdering. Such a gentleman.

Anyway, in the ensuing battle, Iron Man does this:

I'm sorry, but this is one of the gayest looking things he has ever done. That's all I want to say about this. Let's all just try and get on with our lives.

Let see... fight fight fight... polite banter... fighting... ah, here we go. Endotherm explains that he can absorb heat (making things cold) and then re-emit that heat (making things hot). When he combines those powers... get something that is completely impossible. Ok, if you are going to have totally stupid and crazy science, at least make it WORTH it! This is a tiny ass explosion! At least make it look like a nuke or something!

This is another jem. Cue the Benny Hill music!

Keep in mind this is the original Iron Man, not some substitute. Plus he's sober that this point!

Endotherm exits without actually harming anybody, because he couldn't find Tony Stark and he had no beef with Iron Man. He actually put up replacement drywall on the way out and promised he'd stop by tomorrow to put a coat of paint on. He just wanted to make sure he matched the color to the surrounding walls and HomeBase was closed and, well, you know how these super villains are.

After Iron Man thaws he makes a very important phone call.

Ok, that's just gross. Seriously. I'm not joking lady, kids read this stuff. Behave! (Call me!)

Now we see the genius of Tony Stark shine through! How can Iron Man defeat an enemy that has control over cold AND heat?! Well, read it and learn, kiddies!

Wait, what? This makes even less sense than the exploding bit! How is he moving in that thing? It's solid frickin' ice!! And did Enotherm just say “smart-ice”?! SMART-ICE. You know, I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

If your ice coating is harder than diamond, then how are you moving?! You know, this thing is actually pretty impressive. I wonder why I never see this in the Hall of Armors... oh yeah, because it's retarded.

The big, no surprise, reveal of Endotherm's identity is all very Batman-esque to me. Or maybe I'm thinking Scooby Doo. Ah, who gives a damn.

Yeah, just use the guy's pension to pay for his one in a million shot at not being schizophrenic (did you know they can cure that in the Marvel U?), I'm sure his family has no use for his pension.

Amazing, isn't it? Just because I know you want it, here it is one last time.

I think this just became my favorite ridonculous Iron Man panel.

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