Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Iron Man #67, Oh How I Love Your Awfulness

Where to begin...

So I'm working my way through every Iron Man comic from the beginning. I'm currently up to 1974, having read close to 150 issues, and today I read what is by far the worst one yet (keep in mind, I haven't gotten to the 1990's yet). When I say bad, well, let me explain.

Back in Iron Man prehistory (from the Tales of Suspense days), Tony Stark created a device called the Enervator. Awesome name, I know. The Enervator is a cobalt radiation ray-gun that is supposed to be a medical marvel, capable of bringing people on the brink of death back to life, blah blah blah. It was the 60's, just assume that cobalt radiation could do that. Anyway, the device actually works! It can take someone on the brink of death and give them the physical strength to live! Only problem is that it causes mild mutant Hulkism. The first person he used it on was his best friend Happy Hogan, and he quickly discovered that it turned him into a giant rage-filled mutant whom he dubbed "The Freak". Yeah, nice Tony. You turn your best friend into a mutant and then call him a freak. Not just any freak, The Freak. Jerk.

Anyway, Tony never used the device again (there was an accidental exposure, but that wasn't really his fault). That brings us to 1974's Iron Man #67.

In the previous issue, one of Tony's OTHER closest friends (honestly, the dude only has like five close friends), a boxer by the name of Eddie March, donned the Iron Man armor to fight a villain and got really badly hurt. Turns out Eddie has a blood clot in his brain and the strain of getting the shit beat out of him by a supervillain was a little taxing. So Tony, well... yeah...

"Okay, Tony -- I trust you!" Those are famous last words if I ever heard them. "Yeah, I got this ray that can save his life, but it causes enraged-mutant-syndrome in 100% of the people I've ever tried it on. But fuck, it's worth a shot, right?" I love how Tony calls himself a "layman" and then convinces the DOCTOR that he has a miracle-life-saving-ray.

So after shooting Eddie with the Enervator, guess what? This happens:

What care!? You pointed the damn thing at him and turned it on! What did you think was going to happen!?

So of course now Tony has to suit up as Iron Man to clean up the mess. First he decides to try and reach Eddie on a personal level. Maybe if he can connect with whatever is left of Eddie he can stop him before he hurts any more people.

Are you fucking kidding me? "Eddie! It's me, your hero! You know, the guy that turned you into a horrible mutant!" A fight ensues, during which Iron Man thinks this:

So Iron Man is involved in a battle for his friends life, and he's thinking about Bruce Lee's death? Where does that come from? Anyway, he kung fu's Eddie's ass and he turns back into himself. Iron Man is obviously pleased with himself.

Look at that smile! It just shouts, "I fixed the problem that I had no hand in creating!" Oh course, things don't end well for Eddie.

"The battering he received as Iron Man"? How about "when you beat the shit out of him"? Now he's in a wheelchair and Tony's like "all in a day's work!" But wait, Eddie's day gets even better:

That's right. Eddie March came to the rescue of a friend, just to have that friend turn him into a mutant, beat the crap out of him, resulting in his being put in a wheelchair, and the whole reason he was going to see that friend in the first place? Because his brother is MIA in Vietnam.

Tony Stark, you worthless dick.

This book has a few other random awesome things in it. First off, what car factory needs an air conditioner this big, and who the hell designed it!?

Next, this issue also holds the record for most asterisks on a comic book page.

Finally, this little guy was on the Soapbox page. I'll leave my scribbled comment to speak for itself.

Until the next awful issue.

No comments: