Doktor Andy's Mutterings

Iron Man 136; so bad it's... no, it's just bad.

2009-11-09T18:19:00.036-05:00

Not since Iron Man #67 have I read an issue of Iron Man that made me think, “This is SO awful I have to share my pain with other people.” Submitted for your disapproval, Iron Man #136 (1980)!

Iron Man vs... the Endotherm? Wait... really?! Hang on. *cleans glasses* Yup, the Endotherm. Damn, that's amazing. The name is descriptive, like Spider-Man, yet retarded like Living Laser.

Well, let's get reading. It doesn't take long before you get to this.

Hey! You know, kid's read these things. Seriously, this lady must be the biggest slut in publishing, which when you think about it, says a LOT. But wait, there's more.

Well, that wins for worst sexual innuendo in a comic book... well, probably ever. I'm not keeping track (I'm keeping track), but that one is really awful.

Eventually, Tony gets down to business. What? Oh, you are dirty! He goes to work in a very cold place. Wait... I didn't mean... oh screw it.

You know it's an unknown force because the thing that tells you what's going on says “UNKNOWN”. What a handy yet simultaneously useless readout! As you probably guessed, the room is really cold because Endotherm is about to attack! Behold, Endotherm! The most polite C-list villain ever!

Those zany British super villains! Always so polite! I feel like he'd kill me, then offer all my surviving friends and family tea and scones as a nice apology for all that unpleasant murdering. Such a gentleman.

Anyway, in the ensuing battle, Iron Man does this:

I'm sorry, but this is one of the gayest looking things he has ever done. That's all I want to say about this. Let's all just try and get on with our lives.

Let see... fight fight fight... polite banter... fighting... ah, here we go. Endotherm explains that he can absorb heat (making things cold) and then re-emit that heat (making things hot). When he combines those powers...

...you get something that is completely impossible. Ok, if you are going to have totally stupid and crazy science, at least make it WORTH it! This is a tiny ass explosion! At least make it look like a nuke or something!

This is another jem. Cue the Benny Hill music!

Keep in mind this is the original Iron Man, not some substitute. Plus he's sober that this point!

Endotherm exits without actually harming anybody, because he couldn't find Tony Stark and he had no beef with Iron Man. He actually put up replacement drywall on the way out and promised he'd stop by tomorrow to put a coat of paint on. He just wanted to make sure he matched the color to the surrounding walls and HomeBase was closed and, well, you know how these super villains are.

After Iron Man thaws he makes a very important phone call.

Ok, that's just gross. Seriously. I'm not joking lady, kids read this stuff. Behave! (Call me!)

Now we see the genius of Tony Stark shine through! How can Iron Man defeat an enemy that has control over cold AND heat?! Well, read it and learn, kiddies!

Wait, what? This makes even less sense than the exploding bit! How is he moving in that thing? It's solid frickin' ice!! And did Enotherm just say “smart-ice”?! SMART-ICE. You know, I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

If your ice coating is harder than diamond, then how are you moving?! You know, this thing is actually pretty impressive. I wonder why I never see this in the Hall of Armors... oh yeah, because it's retarded.

The big, no surprise, reveal of Endotherm's identity is all very Batman-esque to me. Or maybe I'm thinking Scooby Doo. Ah, who gives a damn.

Yeah, just use the guy's pension to pay for his one in a million shot at not being schizophrenic (did you know they can cure that in the Marvel U?), I'm sure his family has no use for his pension.

Amazing, isn't it? Just because I know you want it, here it is one last time.

I think this just became my favorite ridonculous Iron Man panel.

Tony Stark is an Atheist

2009-10-29T18:21:00.003-04:00

Tony cracks down hard on Scientology at Stark International.

From Iron Man #130 (1980).

My Greatest Experiment is a Success!

2009-10-29T18:12:00.006-04:00

After years of longing, my greatest experiment has finally come to fruition. I have successfully created a tiny genetic offspring! Yes, I now have in my possession an individual that is based upon 50% of my genetic makeup. After an (approximately) nine month incubation process, the "child" (as they are colloquially referred to) was surgically removed from the co-donor. I was also pleased to learn that the 50% of my DNA contained within this tiny human includes what goes between the bipedal locomotive units! Victory!

Despite my original idea to refer to my male offspring as "Andlings" (female being "Lizlets"), we have chosen to name the child "Xavier". Xavier (aka "The Professor"), exceeded our expectations and emerged with a mass of 4.45 kg (or in English units: 9 lbs 13 oz), and in excellent health and possessing superior strength. As soon as he was birthed he had the ability to lift and turn his enormous cranium, which is a trait that lesser humans develop only after several weeks of life. This ability was described by one nurse to me as "creepy", but I expected no less from my tiny genetic offspring.

In the future, we will endeavour to create an offspring of the female variety, so as to have a matched set.

Addendum: Upon returning home with Xavier we quickly discovered that his favorite lullaby is the Battlestar Galactica Soundtrack (Season 4). He also appears to be a fan of Berlioz and Death Metal. Thus far he is largely indifferent to Blues, and appears to actively dislike Classic Rock. I played "Johnny B. Goode" for him and he began to protest violently almost immediately. Further experimentation is required.

FoxTrot

2009-10-11T12:53:00.001-04:00

Today's FoxTrot. Awesome. (Click to enlarge.)

Reservoir Turtles

2009-10-04T13:15:00.000-04:00

Awesome.

Frequently Bought Together

2009-10-03T09:42:00.003-04:00

I was looking up fire ladders for our bedroom and noticed the "Frequently Bought Together" section of the Amazon.com page for one of them.

Why?! I'm pretty sure that reading The Twilight Saga would make me wish I had burned to death in my house.

At first I didn't get the pet stairs either, but then I realized it's so the cat can reach the windowsill to use the escape ladder. Clever.

Rutland, VT: Hub of Avengers Activity and All Around Weird Shit

2009-10-02T18:31:00.037-04:00

"What is Rutland?", indeed. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I recently got a copy of Avengers/Defenders War from my local library (blast fax cudos to them for having it!) when I came upon a strange connection to my home state of Vermont. First let me say that Avengers/Defenders War is really good and I enjoyed reading it greatly. I highly recommend it to fans of old school Avenging. Now to the topic at hand.

We join our heroes after they have discovered that they have been deceived by both Loki and Dormmamu (two sinister evil-doers, indeed!) when this odd shout-out is given:

When you're from Vermont, any mention of Vermont in popular culture is a win. If the reference had stopped there I would have been mildly pleased. However...

So in the Marvel U, Rutland is a place of eldrich Lovecraftian horror. (Actually, for Lovecraft Vermont was a place of eldrich Lovecraftian horror.) At the end of the issue we're teased with this little gem.

Oh see, now I HAVE to check out that issue! Well, the fun with Rutland starts with the panels I started this post with. The answer to Mantis' pressing question?

The Vision is actually reading this from the Avengers-Wiki. You can tell whoever wrote this wasn't from Vermont. Vermonters know that the evil forces always gather in St. Johnsbury. (You know who you are!) So the Avengers are off to face peril unmeasurable in Vermont, but cool headed Jarvis knows what really matters.

Everyone needs good nutrition, especially Avengers!

The Quinjet gets them from New York city to Rutland faster than you can ask which two states Vermont is between. And UNSPEAKABLE HORROR GREETS THEM!!!

Terrifying.

Actually, "Tom Fagan" turns out to be the Collector, who, you know, collects people. Basically what I'm saying is that it's not scary. Don't get me wrong, he's a villain, but he's no Dormmamu!

So in the end, any mention of Vermont is a win.

Bet you didn't know the Avengers had fought the master of the Dark Dimension in Rutland. I didn't think so.

CubeDudes

2009-09-27T14:14:00.026-04:00

These are just awesome. They all follow the same basic design pattern, but it is amazing what he's done with such a "low resolution" technique.

I recommend looking through the collection, there are some awesome treasures in there. Here are some of my favorites: T-800 Terminator, Green Lantern, Predator, John McClane, Iron Man (of course), Captain America (love the shield), and my absolute favorite: Walter Sobchak!

Marvel & Disney, A Merging of Mythologies

2009-09-15T12:30:00.001-04:00

This is a really interesting article.

This is my favorite quote:

"It's almost as if, decades ago, they made these decisions about America. And one decided that America stops in the 1950s and the other decides that America plunges into a dark, chaotic future," says John Baick, a historian at Western New England College who studies Disney's role in American culture.

I Smell Sexual Harassment

2009-09-13T21:15:00.006-04:00

Take a look at this excerpt from Iron Man v1 #91.

Everything about this is awesome! First she's all, "It's MS, not MISS", then she's like "call my Krissy, because that's not slutty at all." Next are the super sex appeal stars that appear around her head the closeup that reveal her beautiful face. When I saw that panel I did a double-take, until I realized the stars are actually a painting surreptitiously placed behind her head in the previous panel. Clever.

What really sells it though is this guy's face:

Now, I don't really know what's up with that smirk, but I suspect that what is running through his mind involves the words "office" and "slut" in some combination.

Iron Man used to be so simple. Save the world, get the girl; not necessarily in that order. Ah, those were the days...

BEST TRANSFORMERS 2 SUMMARY EVER!

2009-09-11T21:51:00.002-04:00

Don't see Transformers 2. Just read this summary.

The Cosmic Cube vs The Twinkie

2009-09-11T18:07:00.007-04:00

This is an add I found in Iron Man v1 #88, from 1976. This type of add was pretty common back then, especially for Hostess "foods".

What caught my attention was the middle panel on the bottom. Let's take a closer look.

Now I don't MEAN to be perverted, but is that Cosmic Cube fucking that Twinkie? Does it not look like that's what it's doing?

Also, everything about this is wrong:

What does any of that even mean?

Wing-a-dings

2009-09-11T15:55:00.007-04:00

Recently, I was thinking about flight in comic books and it occurred to me that quite a few Marvel characters have dumb-ass under-arm wings. I thought I'd see if there was a correlation between these stupid things and the ability to fly.

First, Spider-Woman.

I'm not a big Spider-Woman fan, but it looks like in her first appearance she had the armpit wings (from here out referred to as "pit-wings"), and I know she has them now, so I'm just going to say that she's always had them. And she's always been able to fly. So, pit-wings=flight. Also, Spider-Woman is sexy. Not sure if that is related to the pit-wings though.

Next up, Black Bolt.

I like Black Bolt. He never talks, yet commands the respect of an entire ancient culture. I dig that. Plus, when he does talk his voice levels cities. I dig that too. At first I thought the pit-wings (from here out referred to as "pitings") are a no-flight item. However, according to Wikipedia, Black Bolt can fly, although I've never seen him do it. Admittedly, I haven't read that many comics with Black Bolt in them, and he was never the main character in the ones I have read, so I'm going to go with Wikipedia on this one: Black Bolt can fly. So once again, pitings=flight.

Finally, Spider-Man.

For a very long time, Spider-Man had these armpit web things for some stupid reason. Granted, both Spider-Man and Spider-Woman's pitings were made of webbing ("wepitings"?), and it may skew the results, but I couldn't think of anyone else that had pitings. Anyway, if you didn't know already, Spider-Man can't fly. So here we have pitings=bad costume decision. Maybe Spider-Man's pitings weren't intentional. Maybe his spider DNA just squirted webbing from his armpits. I don't know. I haven't heard that that's the case though, but maybe someone should get on retconing that. Dan Slott, I'm taking to you!

What have we learned from this? Well, if you can fly you can have pitings. If not, you look like a 'tard. I think the reason is that if two people see a superhero with pitings the conversation goes something like this:

"Hey, what the hell is coming out of his/her armpits?! That looks retarded!"

"Oh yeah, well at least that 'tard can fly!" Obviously, if that 'tard can't fly, he/she still looks retarded.

If I had a point when I started this, I've forgotten what it was.

eMacs that (presumably) still work.

2009-09-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

21st Century Skills
Originally uploaded by LittleRedCera

My friend Sarah posted this on her photostream today. Made me nostalgic for my old eMac from undergrad and year one of grad school. I replaced it with the MacBook I still have today.

I think the eMac was a great computer. It was replaced in spirit by the MacMini.

Newsstand c 1975

2009-09-08T21:45:00.002-04:00

I came across this picture somewhere online. It's a photograph of a newsstand (reported to be) from 1975. I just thought it was cool.

I'm currently in 1976 on my quest to read every issue of Iron Man, so I found it at an appropriate time.

Netflix Recommends

2009-09-07T18:19:00.003-04:00

I've had pretty good luck with Netflix's recommendations. Sometimes the "why" takes me by surprise though. Like this one that I came across today:

Tony Stark Swoons, Iron Man Toons

2009-09-06T13:49:00.003-04:00

I found both of these over at the blog Bully Says: Comics Oughta Be Fun, which is clearly written by a guy that has the same comic book comedy sense as myself.

First, Tony Stark Swoons. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Secondly, as the title says, Iron Man Toons!

International Choice of Urinal Protocol

2009-09-04T19:20:00.002-04:00

Dudes,

xkcd has broken down how to pick a urinal. If you didn't know this, study it. Get it right for christ's sake.

Suck it, bitches!

2009-09-04T19:18:00.001-04:00

The Shame of Iron Man #200

2009-08-30T18:07:00.009-04:00

This is something that blew me away a few years ago when I first read issue 200 of Iron Man, so I thought I'd write about it here.

Let me start by saying that Iron Man v1 #200, dated November 1985, is one of my absolute favorite issues of Iron Man. Not only that, it is the climax to what I really believe is one of the best story arcs in any Marvel comic, ever. From #163 (published three years earlier in October 1982!) to #200 Tony Stark was dealing with the villain Obadiah Stane. (If the name sounds familiar, it's probably because a drastically altered version of this storyline was used as the basis for the 2008 Iron Man film, with Stane played by Jeff Bridges.) In this unofficially titled "Obadiah Stane Arc", Tony is crushed by Stane, financially, physically, and emotionally, finally spiraling back in to alcoholism. Things get really bad for Tony; he gives up being Iron Man (Rhodey takes over for him and serves as Iron Man for most of the issues in the arc, which leads to it's own troubles), loses his company to Stane, and literally ends up drinking cheap hooch in a gutter. This leads to one of my all time favorite comic book covers, for Iron Man #182.

One of the great things about this arc is that, since it unfolds over a three year period, it is not rushed. The writing really makes you feel like a man could fall that far. In the end, Tony picks his life back up (and that part isn't easy or fast either!) and realizes that, as Iron Man, he has responsibilities that he can NEVER walk away from. I can't stress enough what a great piece of writing this entire arc is. This brings us to the "shame."

In issue 200, Tony realizes that he has been running from his responsibilities as Iron Man for far too long. In the time he's been recovering from alcoholism, he's been thinking about improvements to the Iron Man armor, so he decides that if he's going to go kick Stane's ass, then he needs a new suit! He goes over to the West Coast Avengers compound to pick up the new armor. The suspense builds for the big reveal...

As you turn the page with baited breath, you see THIS:

"Well, I see you took the armor in a TOTALLY different direction, Tony. You sure you're sober?"

Here is the complete page spread, which I think is even more disturbing once you see the similarity in their poses.

Needless to say, when I saw this it took the wind out of me. I can only assume the writers didn't have a choice where the ads were being placed (I don't even know if they do these days). Basically, it shapes up as being one of the worst advertising coincidences in the history of comic books.

I feel like I should say more, but looking at it now I still... damn.

He Should Have Bought a Mac

2009-08-27T19:38:00.005-04:00

I hate it when this happens.

Especially since that axe is actually a shape-shifting baboon. I know. Gnarly.

(From Iron Man v1, #83)

Time Travel Diagram

2009-08-27T16:18:00.001-04:00

Check out this awesome chart of time travel from TV & movies! I think the little loop from Red Dwarf is from the episode where they interfere with the Kennedy Assassination.

I think they are missing an ULTRA PARADOX where Marty McFly battles the Terminator on a hoverboard.

My Comic Shop Rocks

2009-08-22T19:25:00.001-04:00

Captain Blue Hen rocks. Read this blog post to see one of the many reasons why I think that.

Animal Weapon News

2009-08-21T12:07:00.001-04:00

In some bizarre coincidence, the BBC had two stories today about weird natural defenses from two unrelated species.

The first is a type of newt that has this eldrich defense mechanism involving it's ribs. Apparently, it has these pointy tips on the end of it's ribs. When threatened, it forces it's ribs through it's own skin, ripping through it's own body! The rib/spears pick up a bit of poison that the newt secretes from it's skin and can kill an animal attempting to bite the newt. Freaky.

Second, this entirely new species of deep sea worms was discovered. Apart from looking really cool, these guys have little photo luminescent "bombs" that they drop from their bodies to confuse predators. Almost like flares on an airplane to confuse heat-seeking missiles. Awesome!

Colbert on Archie & Veronica

2009-08-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

I'm just going to reblog this because I'm feeling lazy right now.

Enjoy!